There are times when I feel the first sign of healing. Well, let’s call it healing, I’m not exactly sure what it is at this point. It’s a feeling that thoughts aren’t quite as raw as they were just a few weeks ago. These thoughts, memories of times good and bad, speared through me and caused such anxiety that I could barely function. I can only describe them as atrocities, the bad things that happened to me, the regret I had in my own actions along the way. Though my ex had an affair, and the split was solely her decision, I’m plagued with memories of times I could have tried harder, of my moods that perhaps caused their own form of toxicity, of the way I simply closed down due to lack of trust. Likewise, I felt the anger, again the ‘atrocity’ of it all. I had done so much for her, put everything I had into the relationship (though I could have done more) and regardless, I ended up thrown away with such speed and lack of thought, that the 16 year relationship now feels like the biggest regret of my life.
These are only a slice of the thoughts that haunt me, but in the past week, I’ve felt something lift, something so very minor, perhaps a 1% improvement, but it’s something so very noticeable, because I’ve felt nothing but total despair for nearly 4 months. In these times, I’ll bask in that little nook of reprieve, and try my best to push outward, to stretch it into something more.
“As a way I simply closed down due to trust”
I feel this in my bones as I am a closer downer as well but I also feel it is a method of protection at all costs. In some moments your heart and your head collide so fiercely and the feelings are so intense that a response is not even necessarily possible. To the point that no matter the reaction the outcome will not be productive. Why? I’m not sure. I am very, very triggered if I feel “unheard,” “ignored,” or when the feelings are so deep that I literally cannot get my point across due to lack of even being able to really explain what is happening. Many people cannot allow space to process before they need a response and sometimes that sets off even more emotion.
Also “I’ll bask in the little nook of reprieve.” It is interesting to me how these moments build up over time to literally keep us from absolutely going insane. There will be more even though it is so difficult to be patient in the process 💙