sorry

My ex has never apologized during or after our split.  I have no delusion that she ever will (and I won’t need it despite the closure it would bring) so I’m doing it for her:

I’m sorry.

• I’m sorry for telling you I wanted to separate 10 months after your dad died, and 3 months after the most special dog in your life died unexpectedly.
• During this conversation, I’m sorry that when you asked me for a little patience and that you were still grieving so many things and needed time, that I yelled at you “I can’t help you with that!”
• When you asked if there was someone else, I’m sorry that I told you the idea was crazy, that I wasn’t interested, and that the reasons you gave for suspecting were ridiculous.
• I’m sorry that when you brought this up again, that I once again yelled at you and said “I’m sick of you bringing that up, you’re not helping yourself.”
• I’m sorry that I lied to you and told you the reason I was leaving was because of “your moods” despite the fact that your mood was simply a result of sadness due to your multiple, consecutive losses.
• I’m sorry that when you called me crying, that I was repeatedly harsh to you, dismissive to your despair, and placed blame solely on you, when all the while I was seeing someone else.
• I’m sorry that I lied and told you I needed to be on my own for a while, when in fact I was never planning to be on my own and was in fact having an affair.
• I’m sorry that when you were scared and upset from this separation, and accidentally sent a notification to see my location on my phone, that I yelled at you and told you that you were pissing me off, when in fact I was having dinner with the man I was having an affair with.
• I’m sorry for finally telling you that I’m leaving the marriage exactly 1 year to the date from the last time you saw your dad alive.
• I’m sorry that after every single conversation with you during our separation, that I would then call the person I was having an affair with instead of truly considering my options with a clear head.
• I’m sorry that I constantly gaslighted you when you asked about thew repeated phone calls to this person that you found on our phone records.
• I’m sorry that I didn’t even attempt to save the marriage through counseling or any other options we could have explored.
• I’m sorry that I told you the reason for not going to counseling is because you called it off both times before, which simply wasn’t true.
• I’m sorry that after not being able to have children, that I robbed you of that ability as well. I’m sorry that you thought I was enough and that sacrificing this option was worth it to you. I’m sorry that I left you for a man with 4 children, thus fulfilling my own desire to have children in some capacity.
• I’m sorry that after you discovered that you were right all along about someone else being involved, that I immediately began to reform the truth to make myself look not only innocent, but somehow like a victim.
• I’m sorry that when you got home from Seattle, that you brought me my favorite drink and food from Starbucks, only to find the text messages between me and the person I was cheating on you with.
• I’m sorry that you read how I told him he was my person, told him “I love you” and other things that must have been truly painful to read.
• I’m sorry that I have a repeating pattern of bending the truth when telling others the situation, simply to get their support and to justify and rationalize my own terrible actions.
• I’m sorry for immediately enacting a smear campaign against you, lying to others to ensure the full truth never came out, especially truths that might hurt my image.
• I’m sorry that I’ve shown nothing but anger and hatred towards you despite the fact that you could have told everyone about the affair, with undeniable evidence, but instead you chose not to.
• I’m sorry that I lied to my parents to the point where they confronted you on social media and via text message with reasons that clearly weren’t true.
• I’m sorry that I took my parents away from you with my lies, as I know you cared about them deeply. I’m sorry for not caring about that whatsoever, and that I care more about them seeing me in a perfect light.
• I’m sorry that my parents are now like another series of deaths to you, and I’m sorry that I took them away from you without a single thought for your relationship towards them.
• I’m sorry that my dad confronted you on Instagram and said “This is just as much your fault as it is hers” and insinuated that you were somehow to blame.
• I’m sorry that my mom texted you and told you that you shouldn’t have told my bother before I had the chance, when the truth was that you told him simply because you had to block him on social media and wanted him to know why. I’m sorry that I put you in ap lace where you know I bend the truth and talk poorly about you top others, so you felt the need to tell the basic truth to a person you cared about.
• I’m sorry for taking screenshots of things you posted on social media that were related to your father’s death and sending them to my friend, after which we both made fun of you and joked about how you made no sense.
• I’m sorry for taking snippets of your text messages and sending them to my mom and lying about the context.
• I’m sorry that I rented a movie through your Amazon account, making you pay for it, when that movie was for me and my new boyfriend. I’m further sorry that when you complained to me, that I took a screenshot and sent it to my mom and said “All this because I accidentally spent $4 for a movie rental” while leaving out the very important detail that it was for me and my new boyfriend.
• I’m sorry that I lied to others about that final argument when you pointed your finger at me, and how I actually walked up to you and twisted your finger.
• I’m sorry that I used this same argument as the “turning point” when it was in fact I who started the fight. I’m sorry that I ignored your attempts to ease over the conflict, saying that all will be fine and we’ll worry about it tomorrow. I’m sorry that I belittled you and implied that you couldn’t possibly handle the situation without my input, thus eventually causing you to react in frustration.
• I’m sorry that I invited this other man into a house that we both still lived in while you were out of town. I’m sorry I made him dinner in your home, and left the dishes and leftovers for you to see. I’m sorry for the things we did in that house that you don’t know about, but were left to envision on your own.
• I’m sorry that when you asked why he was there, that I lied and told you he was returning some ladders, even though we work in the exact same facility.
• I’m sorry that I had so little respect for you, that I told you how I “made out with him” and went to dinner with him multiple times during a separation where I was supposed to be thinking things through wit ha clear mind.
• I’m sorry that when you were crying during the worst day of your life, when you discovered I was having an affair, that the only thing I asked you was “So can you tell me what you’re going to do with those texts?”.
• I’m sorry for never saying sorry, not a single time, for any of the above unless it was accompanied with another false accusation or “but” statement.
• I’m sorry for saying that I never want to hear you tell me that all you want me to say is “I hear what you’re saying”.
• I’m sorry for taking away another dog, and eliminating any chance of you seeing him again.
• I’m sorry that when we finally came to a point where we could possibly get along after this disaster, that I posted 2 photos of me and my new boyfriend, arm in arm, with no regard as to how that may make you feel.
• I’m sorry that when you mentioned it, all I said was “It was at a party with other people” as if that could possibly make a difference in how it made you feel.
• I’m sorry that the only apology I gave was combined with the false accusation that you had “something similar going on”.
• I’m sorry that, after you took too long to sign the dissolution papers due to the fact that reading them gave you panic attacks, that I threatened you with divorce and bullied you into signing them.
• I’m sorry that I hired an attorney that constantly pressured you to sign the documents.
• I’m sorry that I’ll never tell you sorry, that I’ll simply dig my heels in and tell myself, endlessly, that he was wrong, that he deserved this, that I could never be so wrong about something like this, that it wasn’t just sadness due to loss, but him, his fault, always his fault.
• I’m sorry that my only goal throughout this entire process was to falsely vilify you so that I might feel better about my own actions. I’m sorry that the most energy I spent was ensuring that my image remained whole intact, regardless of the further loss that meant for you after losing so much in the past year.
• I’m sorry that, 10 months after one of my own parents die, that I’ll never consider what it might be like for the person I care about the most to cheat on me, and to throw me away like a piece of discarded trash.
• I’m sorry that you’ll never be able to visit the graves of our two dogs because it’s now become too hard to disassociate them from the failed marriage, and too painful to stomach.
• I’m sorry I’ve never looked back, never shown remorse or doubt, and thus instilling such confusion and loss atop your existing pain, that 6 months of therapy still haven’t helped take away your persistent sense of doom and daily fear.
• I’m sorry that I made you think I loved you, only to treat you worse than you’ve ever imagined, thus ensuring that you may never trust that anyone cares about you ever again. I’m sorry you were so sure that I loved you, and I’m sorry that this fact has now completely destroyed trust in your own instinct, and has now made you feel that you’ll never feel love again without doubt.
• I’m sorry that I’ll never give you closure through something as simple as a genuine apology, one free of accusations or manufactured justifications that paint you in a bad light.
• I’m sorry I don’t think you’re worth the simple effort of saying “I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that.”