sad mad

I’m so angry today. So angry because progress is so glacial, and I know that I’ll never be the same even when I’m supposedly “healed”. I am angry at an event that has now somehow defined 16 years of my life as a sham. I’m angry for the repercussions forced upon me undeservedly, that I can no longer trust, that I feel duped, that I feel like I don’t know what love is anymore, that I’m terrified of conflict, of standing up for myself, of hurting others feelings, of getting my own hurt again. I’m angry that I can only get a max of about 2 hours of work done a day before my anxiety sets in and I have to submit to it. I’m angry that my savings has dwindled and my income is floundering from the results of an emotional savaging.

It is not fucking fair. Everyday I wake up and I self-analyze, I think sometimes “hmm, maybe better?” only to discover that, nope. Not better. Not at all better even after 9 months. If anything I might be worse, might be more scared and more confused than ever. So angry. So sad.

Like others who have been traumatized, I see life through a haze. It’s not just a blur, or a light detachment, but something more serious. I have suffered from brain fog since my early twenties, seemingly from adrenal fatigue that has worsened over time, but possibly;ly from a concussion I received at 19 years old. I don’t know the cause, and never will, but now it seems to be fully realized. My entire life is a fog. I watch others in slow motion as they laugh, and I wonder if they see me, or if I’m an invisible visitor floating about like a spirit. Truly, a shadow of my former self. I speak differently, and find that I stop around every 5th word or so, and have to re-assess. Like my mind is experiencing a low-bandwidth connection to my brain. “Oh yeah I was thinking…” [pause] “uh, maybe we could go to the…” [pause].

Tired, irritable, unable to process my feelings. Are they valid, or poisoned by the baggage of my past? If I stand up for myself, will I hurt the other person? Worse, will I instill baggage into their minds, will I make them self-conscious of themselves? Will I hurt them? Best to be quiet, but that has its side effects too. Passive aggressive statements. Dark, gloomy moods that would make anyone uncomfortable, exacerbating their own behaviors that then further poke at my insecurities. It’s their fault, not mine. It’s all my fault.

Best to be alone. Best to not feel anything. How I only want to feel numb.

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