Somehow I keep messing up. As I try better, I experience worse. Hurt others. Hurt a truly kind person that has seen nothing but hurt in her past. She saw me for who I was, finally, finally to be heard and seen at such a level. A twin ship passing in the night, another lesson learned, that I can hurt others, that I can be the monster. All things I already knew, but tried to deny. Rationalizations of my behavior, somehow dodging consequences, but not anymore. I’ve cut myself off from someone that may have been a true match, a special person that deserved so much more. Because I’m not ready, and I made sure of this failure in the worst way possible. To break trust, innocent as the actual action was in my mind, to hurt someone who’d been hurt so often in the past. I don’t deserve anyone.

I’m going to be alone, by choice. I won’t subject anyone to this ever again. No more trying, no more therapy, no more striving to overcome. No more spreading my brokenness. I give up, and I have no plans other than to fade into nothing.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *